with a stiff wire until the explosive device falls into the muffler. It takes
only a few moments of driving with today’s hot exhaust gases to explode the
firecracker. Even a fairly small firecracker will cause panic, escpecially if
the driver is paranoid to start with. If you want to destroy the muffler and
drive the mark’s panic into the fantasy of having his/her car really bombed,
substitute an M80 or a shotgun shell for the prankish finger-sized
firecracker.
If the violence and property destruction of this bothers you or causes
you to grimace, consider this next happy face. Most mail-order and novelty
stores sell very realistic rubber-faced masks, resembling everything from an
ape man, through a drooling idiot, on down to a Ronald Reagan mask. Select
one that looks especially gross–like an old man, or the idiot, or Richard
Nixon. Position is so it looks realistic on the back of your head. This
leaves your vision unobstructed. Head for the road in your car.
Just as another motorist overtakes your vehicle to pass you, lean out the
window. The effect on the approaching motorist would be interesting to
observe, as that other driver will see a drooling goon looking back, directly
at him, with no apparent concern for the road ahead. I bet very few cars
actually pass you with this stunt in operation.
Taking the license plate off a mark’s car can be a good shot, even you
don’t want to steal the thing for other nefarious purposes. How many times do
you look to see if the plate is on your car? A cop has only to look once. I
bet it would be fun to hear the mark’s explanation of where his license plate
has gone.
Don’t you get really happy when some defective excuse for a human
suddenly pulls his/her vehicle out directly in front of yours or cuts you off?
Marty Mullin has a solution in hand.
A delightful person, Mullin reveals, “I bought a top-quality pellet
pistol, one of those compressed-air guns, which I keep in my car. You can use
either the cartridge or the pump type–just to be sure you get one with enough
power to penetrate metal. Get a supply of the .177-caliber pellets, too.
Then, next time some dip pulls out in front of you, pull up behind the dip’s
vehicle and get in his/her blind spot. With a truck or van that’s easy
enough. Then you bring your pellet gun into action.
“Plunk a shot into the mark’s vehicle, the trunk for a car, or the back
of a van or rig. If it’s a big truck you can get in quite a few shots,
because the driver is not likely to hear them. A van or car will make a
helluva TWHUNK when that pellet hits, so be cautious.
“There’s no discharge noise, because you’re not using a firearm. After
your attack, back off and proceed your business as if nothing has happened.
You probably have not taught the mark a lesson, but you feel better for what
you just did–I guarantee that.”
I asked Mullin about the posibility of hitting a passenger who is riding
in the back of the mark’s vehicle. He replied, “Then, that passenger also has
every right to be furious with the dippy mark for pulling out in front of
you.”
@ENDNODE
@NODE CB_RADIOS “CB Radios”
Want to send your neighborhood CB nut a message? This nut is the CB
addict who refuses to filter his/her equipment and thus disrupts TV, stereo,
AM/FM, and other normal communication for blocks. Usually, these idiots are
about as sensitive to other people’s feelings as Idi Amin was to the plight of
the poor. In both cases a lesson is called for.
To do this effectively, heed the lesson of Sterling Orco, who says you
must personally interdict the mark’s CB antenna. It would be well to do this
when the mark is away from the home area. Unfasten the CB coax line from the
mark’s antenna. Then clip two leads of a regular 110-volt line to the CB
coax–one lead to the center conductor, the other lead to the shield. Small
alligator clips will do nicely. Then, hop down from your perch near the
antenna and plug the other end of the 110-volt wire into your mark’s nearest
outdoor socket.
Next time he/she turns on the CB and hits the transmit button…well,
words fail to describe the results adequately. One comment–even the repair
people will shake their heads.
A bit less destructive, but no less nasty, is the old pin-in-the-coax
trick. You prick a tiny pin through the plastic outer cable and through the
shield. Be sure it touches the center conductor. Then cut the head off the
pin and push it in some more–out of sight. The plastic should close behind
the pin, making the wound invisible. Just make sure that the pin
short-circuits the center conductor to the metal outer shield. Do a couple of
these along the coax between the antenna and the CB set. It does stuttering
wonders for the transmission.
@ENDNODE
@NODE CHARITY “Charity”
Charity begins at the home of your mark. You simply volunteer his/her
services to the charity’s recruiting chairperson, giving the name and address
of your mark. These charity drives are so happy to get volunteers these days
that they will rarely verify your call. That means the first contact the mark
has is when another volunteer shows up at the door with all sorts of campaign
and collection materials. In many cases, the mark is too embarrassed to
refuse, and you’ve added to his/her workload.
If you think that’s a dirty trick to pull on a charity, ask them how many
cents out of each dollar go directly to the victims and other people who are
at the bottom of the line for help. Besides, your mark might turn out to be a
great charity worker.
You can call in generous pledges in your mark’s name during telethons and
other charity drives.
You can also call in pledges to bothersome telethons, using
double-entendre names. For example, when one public-TV station held another
of its semiweekly fundraisers, several contributors announced over the air as
pledging financial support included Clint Toris, Seymour Kunt, Connie Lingus.
Margie Kowalski used to work for the Salvation Army. She suggests that
you call the local Salvation Army, Goodwill, or whatever charity and report
youp mark for stealing out of the organization’s pickup boxes. Report the
mark by his auto license number. Say you work at one of the stores near the
collection box and you’ve seen the mark rob the box several times. You can
also report this “crime” to the police.
@ENDNODE
@NODE CHEESE “Cheese”
It’s tried and true, but I bet you haven’t heard of it since you were a
kid. This one came from Alabama, the old Limburger-cheese-on-the-muffler-of-a
-new-car trick. The exhaust manifold works well, too, as a surface for a
cheese spread. Or you can simply place som of the same substance behind a
radiator in a home or office. Once it’s burned on, the smelly sour effect can
last for weeks, despite robust cleaning efforts.
@ENDNODE
@NODE CHILD_ABUSE “Child Abuse”
I heard a real horror story recently where a truly evilminded teenager
[Hmmm...] swore to child-abuse officers in her county that her parents beat
her. They hadn’t and didn’t. Never mind; the bureaucrats came bouncing out
of the woodwork, and the harried parents had to appear in court to defend
themselves against the lies of a teenager with mental problems [Hmmm II...].
The parents were looked upon as villians, even though the judge dismissed the
charges as unfounded. Their attorney (yes, they had to hire one to fight
government persecution) advised them against a jury trial because they’d lose
on the emotionalism of the issue, regardless of the facts. Nice.
All this leads up to the fact that you can report your mark as a
child-abuse offender. Acting as a “concerned neighbor,” you can tell the
authorities. The hassle is unreal. After you’ve done this, a few anonymous
letters to the mark’s employer about the “child-abuse thing” will help out.
@ENDNODE
@NODE CIA “CIA”
Your mark might have sneaky points you never thought about. For example,
maybe your mark would make a good CIA employee. You could easily find out.
Write a letter of application to the agency using your mark’s name. The
agency get hundreds of letters from would-be action agents, such as unemployed
gangsters, karate freaks, ex-soldiers, Walter Mitty types, etc. I doubt that
they take many of these seriously, but they might be interested in talking
with a highly qualified technical person, such as an analyst, area expert,
journalist with oodles of foreign experience, language expert, or economist.
Advanced college degrees and military service abroad as an officer are fine
credentials for your mark. Make up a good solid background. It is probably
illegal for you to make a false application in your mark’s name using phony
credentials.
Send resumes to: Personnel Representative
Central Intelligence Agency
Washington, D.C. 20505
You can also send in an application in your mark’s name for a CIA job at
the field office in the nearest city. Yes, they are listed in the telephone
book.
@ENDNODE
@NODE CLASSIFIED_ADS “Classified Adverts”
Classified advertisements in your local newspaper are inexpensive little
bullets that can cause major wounds to the mark’s psyche if properly aimed.
For instance, suppose you had a score to settle with some bitchy neighbors.
You could insert a classified ad to “sell” their automobile. Price it five
hundred dollars less than market value, instruct callers to call after midnight
(shift work is the explanation you can offer), and explain in the ad that quick
cash is needed for an emergency. That will bring in the phone calls.
You can also put your mark’s house up for sale. Again, ask potential
customers to either call or visit at hours that will be very inconvenient to
the mark.
The “personals” in newspapers can provide even more fun. Maybe your mark
ought to advertise for “young boy and girl models to pose for ‘art’ pictures.”
You should use his/her home or business telephone here for return calls,
whichever would cause more difficulty for the mark.
Placing ads is a snap. Most newspapers let you do it right over the
phone, and most of the ad people I’ve talked to say they rarely verify a
classified ad. Take a tip from that and don’t make it outlandish. As with any
practical joke, there has to be a credible amount of reality to the premise for
the sting to work.
While you’re thinking of newspapers, don’t foget those sexy tabloids and
their really gross cousins that let readers advertise all sorts of weird sex
things. I don’t know whether any of that is on the level, but it’s worth
finding out–in your mark’s name, of course. Maybe you’ll be doing him/her a
favor. But somehow I doubt it–there’s no such thing as a free lunch.
You might help the mark share his new friends’ sexual talents. Place an
ad in one of the target audience magazines–the publication that runs very
explicit and very honest classifieds. If you’re not sure, contact a local
sympathizer and ask him/her for help.
You might write you ad copy like this:
“Soft white male aged 35 wants to play with black lady with large
buttocks. Bi-couples welcomed for Greek and French culture.”
You can really make bondage and S/M optional, depending upon reality, the
publication, its audience, and your mark. You really ought to study the target
publication before you word the ad. The kicker is that you will register the
mark as the sponsor of the classified ad. Read a section of this book that
tells you about using a neighbor’s address and the mark’s name before you get
started.
If you decide to run kinky classified ads for your mark in SCREW, BALL,
and whatever, be sure you get some copies of the issue in which the ad runs.
That way you can send originals or Xerox copies to the mark’s neighbors,
relatives, business associates, and friends. Enclose a brief note asking how
they can even admit knowing such a perverted person. Offer to pray for them.
You could use the name and address of another friend, neighbor, or business
associate as the return address for this note.
Help your mark out of the closet by running a classified announcement ad
in homosexual publications. Have her/him grandly and proudly announce that he
or she is gay and has dated and/or married only for cover. Now, he/she is
coming out and telling the world she/he has taken a lover–and name a friend,
neighbor, or business associate as that lover. Libelous? Yes, it is. Don’t
get caught.
Using classified advertising, Bill Colbeley had an auction for one of his
many marks. He followed the usual auction format to prepare the newspaper ad,
then ran it when the mark and his family were away for a weekend. The ad was
one of those “Job transfer–everything must go–fanstastic bargains” types so
normal to an industrial community. But let Sweet Old Bill tell the rest of his
story:
“I set the time of the auction for 7:00 A.M., so that just as the sleepy
mark was rolling out of the sack about that hour, he looks out on his yard and
sees about three hundred salesgoers out there trampling all over his lawn,
garden, and flowers. It took an hour for the mark and the police he called to
get the crowd out of there.”
Although it’s not strictly a classified advertisement, the little
index-card notices that people place on bulletin boards in bars, supermarkets,
laundromats, and other public places are great ways to harass your mark. Just
about anything you can use in a newspaper can be used on these more personal
notices. But the advantages are, they don’t cost anything but the time
required to prepare and post them, and you can be a lot more wordy,
descriptive, and personal than you can with a newspaper advertisement. Folks
seem to read these very regularly too, as I know from my personal use of this
community advertising medium with legitimate messages.
@ENDNODE
@NODE CLERGY “Clergy”
One of the most useful bits of armament in the trickster’s arsenal is a
set of clerical garb. Lenny Bruce proved how financially useful this disguise
is when he panhandled Miami dressed in a religious costume. But then,
organized religion has known this for years, profitably practicing their old
proverb “Let us prey.”
Obtain and make use of overt religious garb. It creates a wonderfully
secure and trustworthy image. Drug marketeers often use priest and nun outfits
when moving dope. In Ireland, weapons and explosives are smuggled by
kindly-looking middle-aged persons disguised as religious figures.
@ENDNODE
@NODE COINS “Coins”
If consumer attorney Dale Richards is correct, more Americans lose money
to coin-operated vending machines than lose money gambling or paying taxes to
the IRS. What’s also astounding is that so few people rise above simple
vandalism as a response.
Richards explains, “Many vending companies are quite liberal in their
refund policy. They don’t question most refund requests. However, getting
refunds is annoying to people, it takes time, and the machines shouldn’t cheat
people in the first place.”
People who work for vending companies claim that customer vandalism is why
the machines don’t work in the first place. Critics claim that
vandalism-repair cost is built into the price for the goods and services you
get from coin machines. I’m not here to adjudicate this debate, but to pass
along some alternative philosophy.
Abbie Hoffman says that every time you drop a coin down the slot of some
vending machine you are losing money needlessly. There are many inexpensive
foreign coins that will duplicate the American version and operate vending
equipment. It may be tough to get some of these coins, because many legitimate
dealers look suspiciously upon attempted purchases of large numbers of cheapie
foreign coins. You could tell them that you use them for jewelry. Apparently,
many coins dealers are establishment snitches, so be careful.
Here, according to Hoffman, are the more useful foreign coins. The
Icelandic five-auran piece is the most effective substitute for an American
quarter. They are hard to come by, since they are no longer minted. The
Uruguayan ten-centisimo coin will also substitute for the U.S. quarter in a
variety of vendng machines, parking meters, telephones, toll gates,
laundromats, etc. It does not work in cirgarette machines. The Danish
five-ore piece works in just about anything but pop and cigarette machines.
Dime-sized coins include the Malaysian penny, which works in a variety of
machines and devices that take a dime. Som