Essay, Research Paper
*Overwhelming use of Staplers in Western Civilization*
When you think of how to fasten several pieces of paper together, hanging paintings on walls, or closing those annoying flesh wounds you often find yourself reaching for a “Stapler” or one of its kinfolk. The “Stapler” is one of the most often taken for granted instruments of civilization that exists in the world today. There are very few people out in this wide open space we call the planet Earth that fully realize the bonds in which our “Staplers” toil on a daily basis. Fewer still realize the rich history and culture that is the “Stapler”’s existence. Within these pages we will be exploring the fantastick world that is the “Stapler” and its function in Western Civilization.
*History of the Stapler*
The Subjugated Theological Abiotic Postulating Leveraged Ergonomic Repunctuator; commonly referred to as the “STAPLER” was created by John L. Stapler on September 3rd 22AD. The Stapler was initially held as a fantastickally demonic device. And competed on technological levels with Gutenberg’s printing press and Gate’s Microsoft. And philosophical levels with Ovid’s Metaphorosis and Georg Hegen. Although it was created in Boston Mississippi it wasn’t manufactured until 57BCE in Constantinople and wasn’t actually used until 1951AD in Istanbul.
The “Stapler” was originally made out of enchanted wool, but is modernly manufactured out of a Steel base and a Plastic casing, with a compressed coiled spring in the vertex of the apparatus which exerts a precision amount of centrifugal torsion on the repunctuating center. Simply put when affected with a human stimulus be it ever so slight the supplemental propulsion shaft ejects a minuscule metal projectile into a wood pulp composite solid. What most people don’t realize however is that in the heart of every “stapler” there is still a very small amount of enchanted wool injected into every “stapler” that rolls off the great assembly lines of the Scottish Highlands where the “staplers” are collated with the love and affection that only a large man in a skirt can provide.
*Manufacturing of the “Stapler”*
“Not a dank, dark, dirty hole, but a [clean, organized staple mine]” (Tolkien). Deep in the heart of the Zulu rainforest, lie the staple mines of Africa. Within these hallowed mines, countless Pygmy tribesmen, in native dress, and eternal slavery to the Spanish conquistadors, toil at great danger to life with a possibility of death, just to bring you your precious “staples.” Few people realize the iron hold which the Spanish have on the “staple” industry. Not even the black market “staple” production companies can surmise a plan to match the quality and availability of the Spanish “staples.”
Each “staple” is carefully extracted by hand from the surrounding diamond deposits, to ensure that this valuable cargo reaches its final destination in mint condition. Each year, approximately 2,123,523,663,124.335 “staples” are extracted from the African mines. But not without a great cost to human sacrifice. To meet the mighty demands placed upon them by their Spanish conquerors, approximately 284.673333 pygmies die each year. These deaths are mostly due to ravagements by hippopotamuses, metacarpal contusion syndrom, ebola virus, and a very small percentage to the catastrophic and horrible “staple” explosions. These explosions occur when “staples” in their natural gaseous form interact with the unpasteurized Pygmy sweat.
The “staples” are then transferred from the mines to the Antarctic minting facility, where they are polarized, vulcanized, and otherwized. From this location, the “staplers” are transported via galleon, frigate, nuclear submarine, and single-masted longboat to Guam, then to Byzantium, then back to Guam. In Costa Rica, they have mosquitos the size of your head. In Tibet, ….”Free Tibet!” Anyway, the staples are shrink-wrapped, boxed, then the boxes are shrink-wrapped, and then packed in crates with all those little Styrofoam thingies, then air-dropped to the Botswana distribution facility.
*How the Stapler has Shaped Western Civilization*
The “Stapler” is the oft underplayed emancipator of civilization. It is responsible for both human evolution, Technological innovation, and the Red Sox winning the 1951AD World Series against the Cincinnati Reds in 7 games. Yeah that was a good series. Where were we? Oh yeah and also international politics.
The “Stapler” the great Uniter of People, brought together the divided clans of Scotland. When the Abercrombie clan failed at conferencing the clans into unification William Wallace delivered his famous “They can take our lives, but…” Speech. He held in his right hand a “Stapler” and upon the climax of his speech clamped it down upon a series of kilts symbolizing the unified field theorem.
Many are aware of Einstein theory of Relativity but few realize how long he toiled in the dark dank corners of the German patent offices until the “Stapler” poised ever so subtly on the corner of his oaken desk gave him the solution. He was actually playing with staples on his desk and suddenly realized that the light bouncing of staples created a refraction index that generated energy exactly and precisely equal to the mass of the staples times the (speed of light)2.
In 1911AD two lookouts were playing with a “Stapler” and this caused them to crucially overlook a mean and vicious iceberg that was hurtling toward their position in the North Atlantic. Yes, the sinking of the Titanic caused the deaths of 2500 people but when the hit movie grossed $121Million at the box office in its first weekend we consider it a good investment.
*The Stapler’s Drain on Western Society*
Of course, the “stapler” isn’t all good. We, as a society, and a culture, and collection of semi-sentient biomass, living in symbiotic compatibility, must realize that to all “staplers” there is a dark side. If the stapler were ever to fall into the wrong hands, it could very well spell the end of reality as we know it. Such a thing nearly occurred with Napoleon. Fortunately, Waterloo put an end to this tyrant’s wanton “stapler” craze.
Not all of the “stapler’s” dangers are not so apparent, some are much more insidious. For starters, the advent of the “stapler” has destroyed people’s basic ability to bind paper. In the days before the “stapler” mean and women both, and a few eunuchs, would toil for hours just to get a few pieces of paper to stay together. This resulted in many injuries; nasty papercuts. And while this may seem barbaric to us, it made the people hearty and ready to deal with the rigors of their world.
Nowadays, as the world has become more namby-pamby, we are afflicted with such things as carpal tunnel syndrome. The extroverted flexing of the wrist as it presses down upon the propulsion shaft of the “stapler” is precariously dangerous to the blood vessels and tendons in the wrist. This undo stress would be completely avoided if the “stapler” had never been invented. Additionally, the overuse of the “stapler” has destroyed the intrinsic human resistance to this strain.
As with just about everything these days, the “stapler” can be blamed for the growing rate of violence in our school system. The “stapler” by its very design is a metaphor for violence. The double prongs like vicious teeth, pierce ever-so-easily through parchment or more, with a mere slam of the fist. Children exposed to such a violent instrument from a very young age grow to believe that violence is acceptable in society. And it is only a matter of time until they start reaching out with their “staplers” to wreak havoc on people and the world around them.
*The Do’s and Don’t Do’s of Stapler User*
Do: Use a Stapler to staple paper
Don’t: Use a Stapler to pierce your ears or a friend’s ears.
Do: Use a Stapler to hang pictures
Don’t: Use a Stapler to hang people
Do: Use your Stapler with caution
Don’t: Use your Stapler while Intoxicated or while otherwise under the influence of narcotics
Do: Use your Stapler for Good not Evil
Don’t: Use your Stapler for Evil not Good
*Conclusion*
So, in conclusion, since the dawn of time has come and gone, since “staplers” are always shinier on the other side, and since you can’t teach an old dog or any dog for that matter to use a “stapler” no matter how hard you try, trust me I know, stupid dog, we must find a way to live with the “stapler” in harmonious existence. For, no matter how much we would like to, the “stapler” is just not one of those things we can uninvent. Marx used to speak of a great class war between those who had “staplers” and those who had not. But, in this modern day and age, we can only hope that society has progressed to the point where it has learned to use its “staplers” in peaceful concordance with the divine right of kings. So, until there is a box of “staples” in every pot and a “stapler” in every garage, we will not rest to vindicate justice, an proclaim our message of good, evil, and neutrality.
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